Day 1: 20 Days of Chill
Topic: Who are you?
This topic is one that I have wrestled with for the last 3 years. Three years ago my back gave out while I bent over to pick up something off of our living room floor. I remember the moment like it was yesterday. It’s a moment in time that changed the direction of my life and definition of who I am.
Over the last few years, I have had injections, surgeries, implants, and multiple drugs thrown at me. All were supposed to help me get better, and feel better. Well here I sit, three years later, still in pain and a few more diagnoses, Chronic Neuropathic Pain, Fibromyalgia, Severe Depression, Anxiety disorder, among others. This is NOT what I had planned. There is a saying you can have your life all planned out, but God has his own plan for you… and it may lead you in a different direction than what you had planned.
Before my back went out, my identity was wrapped up in what I did. My job was to be a wife, mother, and work to help support my family. But mostly my identity was wrapped around my job. I had always enjoyed going to work… minus those crappy days we all have once in a while. But, it was all I ever knew. Work, work, work! At the time that my back went out I had just started down a new career path. I had spent 13 years in real estate previously and decided to go back to school after being laid off. So, I had just completed my degree in IT, and shortly thereafter started my career in this new field. I wasn’t even at that job a year when the life changing event happened. I had held onto hope for so long, that I would one day be able to go back to work. But I am slowly starting to realize that it may not be in the cards for me. What if I can no longer identify myself as being a career woman, a working mom?
Life events have changed me. I have learned that I need to live more in the moment as my pain can be manageable, but then 2 seconds later it isn’t. I am now a person who can no longer plan ahead. It is day to day as I don’t know how my body will feel. That’s still one of the hardest things for me, as I was always a planner. So, it’s a matter of remembering to live in the moment. Having limitations that impact my every waking and sleeping moment, is something that I am still learning to cope with. I am learning that there is, and always was, more to me than just how I identified myself before (good and bad). Words that I now use, that reflect who I am are:
- One that loves to read
- Nature lover
- Chronic pain warrior
- Human weather predictor (Oh, my body hates weather changes)
- Photo taker
- Music lover
- Uncomfortable with vulnerability
- Speaks my mind, almost to a fault
- Slow paced, not by choice…
- Try’s to be in the moment
- Struggles with worries
- Struggles with my body limitations
- Still working on finding my purpose
- Overly analytical
- Loves to hear laughs and giggles from my boys
- Addicted to my phone and technology
- Gets a kick out of little things in life
Among other things… We are all ever evolving and redefining who we are and who we want to be. Hopefully always moving toward the better version of ourselves.
What defines you?
What makes you who you are?
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