You can’t see my disability. I wear no cast. I am not in a wheelchair. My disability is buried deep under my skin. It’s my nerves, my muscles and my bones. If you could see those, you would see a fiery mess. But you can’t. They’re buried deep within.
Every day I spend in my sweats, usually unshowered, no makeup, just doing what I can to get by and conserve my energy. When I do leave my house, I am so to say, cleaned up. My hair is done, most of the time I have at least some powder on my face and rarely am I in sweats. Sad, but that’s my “put together” look. I look more “normal”. But, the person walking by can’t see how my legs feel like there are a bunch of bees stinging them, the pins and needles in my feet, the aches, weakness in my back that feels like it could give out at any time, among other things. Somedays are much worse than others, but I cannot hide the fact that I still walk slowly. I get passed by what look like 80 year old ladies and gentlemen as I walk into the grocery store. This is all thanks to my struggle with the daily pain that is unforgiving. I only survive with a daily dose of medications, support, rest and lots and lots of coffee and a heating pad.
I guess I do look disabled after re-reading this, but does it matter? For those of us that struggle with how we appear to the outside world, we just have to learn to accept (which is the hardest part for me) that we are just the way we are now, and there are going to be people that are not going to believe us no matter what. That’s what it’s really about, people believing our struggle, right? I know for me it was…is. There are others that are going to be there to support and back us up no matter what. Those people, the ones that back us, and support us, those are the ones that we need to focus on and surround ourselves with. The stranger walking in next to me at target or into the grocery store, why am I worrying about if they believe my struggle? I shouldn’t be worrying about that. I am sure they have their own struggles they are facing.
You know your truth and your struggle.
It’s real and that is all that matters.
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